The night has fallen down, the kids are finally sleeping.
After a spiritual breakdown some weeks ago, it feels like I’m standing still with my feet inside the ground. While in these breakdowns it feels like opening brutally in the inside, it is so painful that it is difficult to breath for days. I embrace these breakdowns, though I wish I could share a little bit more of me while they happen. It is difficult to communicate with words whe I loose sight of meaning in this life.
Then again, feeling myself grounded, I came to think how as a single mother I choose to spend time with my children. It is not natural to me to be very attached to other people or to spend long periods of time with others, that is why it can be challenging for me to be consciously present with my children. And I don’t have to. But at the same time I feel that doing things with them it actually helps me become a better person.
It is thanks to them that I managed to heal my heart facing my fears, and it is all through them that I manage to land all my spiritual breakdowns. They do no do absolutely anything, it is my relationship to them and the insight they give me that leads me to my inner peace.
Though it seems to be a misused approach to parenthood, I see my kids as my catalizators. I am sure my path would have been very self destructive and extremely painful without them in my life. I was raised feeling I didn’t deserve to be in peace, that I wasn’t good enough. And still, despite my deep brakdowns my children keep me grounded. Just being. By kissing each other good night. By giving a huge good morgen hug before breakfast time.
Perhaps it was because I knew they could’t hurt me. Perhaps because my children they don’t see my with my hidious selfcritical glasses. I can land safe every time, knowing that I am good enough just being. I am thankful for this pure and true love we have, because it can never be taken for granted to feel accepted and loved as I am by them. My heart has got the chance to be open, and when my soul gets lost in another unknown path, it always come another childish landing.
Reminding me that we are here. Reminding me to breath while I sing a lullaby. Reminding me that words don’t matter as long as I can look in their eyes while my heart keeps speaking and my soul keeps landing from time to time.