Yes, today is one of those days. One of those days when I feel trapped because I make two steps forward as a slave and three steps back as a human.
It is very frustrating, to know exactly what kind of life you want to live and still being unable of taking next step. Or am I? Some of my limitations are real, while some others are just in my mind.
I am in touch with myself and despite other people’s meanings, I know what I need and want. Is it possible to find balance between my needs and my reality? Is it just a matter of time and tons of patience to get where I want?
Every day I become more aware that my professional career har no meaning to me. I see what I have achieved and that actually many issues are blooming now. But I don’t feel any joy or pride for it. I don’t care about that when I can’t live the life I want to live.
Quietly, uneasy inside. I don’t think words can express how pressure boils inside of me right now, and yet again, tomorrow I will get back to work pretending I care about the projects I have been offered and that I believe that what I do matters. I know it doesn’t.
I feel I stand with my hands and feet tied up, just watching life goes by and me….seeing, feeling and knowing what I long for, but still a slave of my mind and the system. The projects I have been offered are just a temporary solution. Like a sticking plaster that gives me five more minutes to breath in this impossible world of mortgages, cement and obligations. And I feel like I am betraying myself, beatrying my believes, beatrying my soul.
Some people might think I should be grateful. Because I am healthy, my kids are healthy as well and I have a job, roof over our heads and food on our table. And grateful I am, but I feel restless. Because now again, I am betraying myself.
And what is worst than feeling you are fake? Pretending to fit in a social pattern where you don’t feel like belonging to? When the only thing you want is to feel your heartbeat and giving other people some peace of mind. Wishing to use your time in listening to others, enjoying time with your children or simply walking bare foot tossing social expectations.
Yes, tonight my soul is crying. And I don’t know how much longer I will be able of calming it down before it turns into a devastating storm.